Pigments of Hope, if there’s any…

Yet another heart broken left to rot without anyone knows about it...



Few knew about but still kept it a secret for it is not ready to be heard

For it is too painful

For it is too devastating
For one to even endure it…
However one must learn to face it even if it cud kill
n bleed them dry…
I may not sound sane rite or even make senses but
Maybe insanity is wat keeping me alive n well
Maybe insanity is wat keeping me as me
Maybe insanity is wat people need rite now..
Life has become an utterly complicated…
For people who tell themselves that
They we’re doing not to hurt anyone
Bt from a minor point of view


Caught me in the eye n left a note
All they were doing was hurting someone else
They say putting others feeling before theirs???
Well they were actually putting their feelings before others…
Bt maybe bcoz u’re having a big event for ur future
Maybe I shudnt be lenient at first maybe I shud hav been selfish
Like u
Putting my feelings first
Atleast I’ll make u suffer…
But tht juz isn’t me
I cant harm a fly even if I want it to
Metaphorically saying thou….
I cud hurt a fly..
Hurting wud do me any good or harm..
So well for me there isn’t much fun wud it now…
Bt the amount of pain I have to endure is juz
A valuable lesson for me
With opportunity I wud like to thank you from the bottom of my heart …


Becoz
U have made me stronger
U have made me wiser
U have made me understand
Even though u have shattered dis heart
Even though u have tore dis heart
I will always try to keep ur heart unharm…
I will always try to be there wen u’re in need…

Becoz past is juz another old book…



Becoz doing wat u did to me
Wudnt make me powerful
Wudnt make me stronger
It wud only make me weak
It wud only make me inhumane
Thats the last thing I ever wanted for u
Becoz I still treasure the precious moment

We had…
Becoz the valued moment have overcome
the painful moment after u’ve gone….

So I will always be here waiting for u….

Random

Im just randomly writing to let out my feelings..

But what feelings am I exactly want to express…

Im not sure actually…..

Hurmmm….

Im feeling lonely and furios lately…

I don’t know why…..

Im feel like climbing a mountain n screaming the top of my lungs!!!

Why am I feeling like this…

The worst thing I channeled it someone…

Why did I do that….

Am I feeling threaten to that person…

Arghhhhhhh

Why did I do tht…..

Im really stressed out channeling my ridicoulous anger to that person…

What hav I become….

That person didn’t do anything wrong nor that person has any connection to this feeling I have…..

Why ….

Every step im taking is bringing me closer to my rage…

Everything I do I feel angitated….

Arghhhhhhhhhhhh

How I wish I have someone to talk to…

But to come a think of it ….

What do I want to talk about???

NOTHING…

Exactly nothing…

U see what I mean…

Im feeling angry at something that don’t exist…

Im feeling lonely at something that don’t exist…..

I’m feeling as if im beginning to feel im no longer a person who is having a rational thought now…

Arghhhhhhhhh

Why???

No matter how hard I try Im feeling irate ….

Did anyone push my buttons????

I been asking myself the same question…..

And the only answer I get is….

diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii………

nada….

No one…

Nobody…..

So why am I feeling this way!!!!

I still felt guilty to the person thou….

Urmmmm how I wish I cud write srrry a million time to that person…

Bt that person doesn’t have any connection nor did that person trigger my rifle of anger…

Bt im feeling furious ….….

Why……

Sometimes I feel im about to loose it….

My ridiculous feeling is starting to take the best of me…

Killing my rationality….

Taking me to a place im not proud of…..

Taking me to a ride that no where in fun villle…

Arghhhhh…..

Im feeling that I’ve gone to the wrong direction…

And yet I have been direct otherwise…

Why do I take tht road when I’ve been told to go to other direction…..

Arrghhhh….

I juz wish sometimes life can be done by a book

Something like a book of recipe…

Where u do exactly like the book say

Or ur food will taste bad…

Why life cant be as simple like that…..

How I wish I cud resolve dis problem that neva exists…

Hurmmmmmm…

Seasons Change

Seasons change

am I rite??

Winter to summer

Spring to autumn

But why do people change ??

Urmm humans they have a way of thinking..

Changes occurs no matter where u go…

Even wind change

From east to west

Even the moon.

from a full moon to crescent

So there is no doubt people don’t change..

If its for the better well go on ahead.

But if its for the worst why go on ??

Sometimes it makes me wonder…

When people change from excellent to depraved person

What are they thinking??

Impressing somebody??

Well I’m not impress….

bt more likely to hate u...

Trying to look superior??

Well I don’t see your throne anywhere??

Trying to be Popular??

Well I don’t see anyone asking for your autograph??

So what is it for??

Changing into something bad

Won’t Take us anywhere ..

Won’t make us any richer…

If it did..

I love to jump on the same boat

or

maybe push u off a cliff and row the boat on my own..

So there be plenty more for me to spend…

But there’s no such thing…

But being bad will achieve something for u..

Being the one others hate

Being the one others disrespect

Being the one others irritate

Being the one others forsake

So u want those??

No human with the right mind

Wants that….right??

Wise person once said to me

“This is your story u are the writer”

This means are in control of ur life..

People talk they have mouth but

Why should u care coz this is ur life not theirs

Its true but if u are changing into an awful person

Dat statement doesn’t apply to u..

U want to change into something different from before..

Go on who stopping u but into an educated better person not the opposite

Becoz if u going into the dreadful path that u so call proud of

at the end of the day u end up back to square one…

u are going nowhere..

seeing changes like that sadden others..

change into an educated person

change into gracious person

when u roam the world others will be there by ur side

instead of being

boorish

bcoz if u fall no one will be there to pick u up…

Don’t make others say we told u so…

If u really want to change urself…

Another wise person once said to me

“ Being urself makes u Somebody”

Wat it means is...

u urself is unique in its way

So u don’t have to be someone else to impress anyone

Or to be superior…

Just by being u makes u special…

How Naïve??

Urmmm wats wif the title u ask urself..

“how naïve”

where is dis goin??

Wat is dis all about??

u ask??

I can’t really tell how is goin to end but I sure know how did it begins…

As u all know or the people who know me knows I’ve been single as long as I can remember….Don’t assume that Im too perfect for anyone or I don’t know how to love but actually I really don’t know how love works…

Love works in our favour..we believe we have met the person we really felt close, felt the chemistry, felt the bond between u two were so tight that nothing cud break those bonds..well I’ve been there..to tell u the truth when they say wif love u can’t break anything….mine did?? It seems the power of love has forsake me… and they say wif love u can fight anything well sometimes love work in a mysterious way… works in our favour but deceit us in the end…I don’t want to a hypocrite saying oh I hate love and bla2 but in the end I adore love..who doesn’t want to love but sometimes love can also be a poison..It’s very lethal…

U ask urself again where is dis aymann goin wif this anti-love story??

Let me answer all ur question now being delaying long enough…like said b4 dis I’ve been single my whole entire life..it’s becoz I haven’t found the right yet….but I thought I found it…at first I didn’t want to believe didn’t want to participate in this love game….i said to myself “not the one” I try to fight it u know keep on denying but who am I fooling…for me to say Im in love is like saying Northpole is very hot..see how stupid it is…but I finally have the courage, the will to say “IM IN LOVE” I finally am!! Guys im in love.. im in LOVE!!! IM in love!!! Yahoooooo!!!!

I met the one it seems love had juz fallen into my lap…that person make me feel alive..that person somehow has stole my heart…I felt the bonds between us was as close as…ARGHHHH I can’t describe …there is juz no word in human tongue or any other tongue can describe the feeling the bond… I was so in love!!!

But suddenly I can’t see the sunlight…black cloud floating…it feels like thunderstorm had juz happened…we juz began to estranged n the funny part is…we didn’t have any fights or misunderstanding or any of that its juz fade…the part that hurt me so badly I’ve trying to reach that person but nothing nada zero…we talk laugh giggle the night before and then the next day puff!! It magically disappear … n everyday I sit and asked myself wat hav I done..what have I done!!!! U juz disappear…I was growing insane trying to figure out wat happened…I felt so stupid…so I thought I juz wait maybe something might turn up…coz things happened when ur least expected…but nothing not a zit…..

I was a fool to fall for it….

I am better of being alone than to be in love!!!

Till now I haven’t quite figure it out….How does love work!!

How Naïve was I...

along wif this i forge a poem...

DISSAPOINTMENT

I was an empty person,

Person without Love,

My life was like a roller coaster,

Going up the loop,

Going down the loop,

There was no Peace,

There was only frantic,

I move from one to another,

Searching for LOVE,

Searching for something worthwhile,

Searching to prove me wrong,

I search and I search,

But they were all the SAME,

On a gloomy day of a lonely night,

Where the stars were not seen,

Where the moon was not seen,

I met YOU!

At that very moment suddenly,

The stars were seen,

The moon was seen,

They even Shine brighter than ever!

I felt nothing Like it,

I felt joy,

I felt love,

I felt something that I didn’t feel for a long-time,

When we talked,

When we smiled,

When we had the awkward silence,

Feels like,

We were perfect for each other,

We were destined for each other,

For the first time In my life,

I felt something REAL!

Something worth holding on,

But it was all Crap,

But it was all Deceit,

But it was all FAKE!

I thought you’d be different,

Different from the Rest,

But in the end,

You end up,

Disappointing me THE MOST,

Thank you,

From the bottom of my heart,

For proving me right,

Finally...

Greeting from ivory tower!!!!






so here i am writing another sad n nostalgic blog!!!
Now im no longer in the isolate AMBS!!!
i jz ended my course on 2nd of march...waaaaaaaaa!!!
i was really sad to leave!!!! trust me!!!!
i was neva dis sad leaving sumthing behind!!!!
MAN leaving all the memories...
I miss everyone there!!!!!
saddest part is leaving my frens!!
Frens i neva had in skool!!!
Frens that really understand!!
Frens that dont judge!!
Frens that knoe ur in need!!!
N the best thing is
Frens that love u for who u ARE!!!!!




I neva had That kind of frens back in high skool..
bt there are sum nt all..






MAN I really miss my lecturers

I stop crying wen i was 12 years..
ok i knoe wat ur goin to think neva cried since 12
yada yada
bt now damn sure cried like a gurl didnt cry ok..
i dont knoe maybe i dont hav anything emotional in my life to cry about..
bt wait i remember i cried wen my sis goin back to aussie..
that one im being honest..
i cried like a gurl!!!
man that was the saddest part!!
man letting go sumone u really love like ur own mother!!



bt nway back to my uni story...(always straying away)

i teared for almost everynight till i cudnt teared myself on the last day!!
bt i really happy cause i finally found sumthing to tear back!!
nt stress of exams..u must be joking!!
bt nway
that sumthing is the most precious to my heart!!

MY FRENS!!
MY AMBS FRENS!!
MY PRE DIPS FRENS!!!
MY PEEPS!!!
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!




Being wif them for this past 4 months althou short bt man its seems like forever..
i neva been this sad leaving them..
there is no word in any human languange cud describe how much i miss them...

So I thank GOD i got this course!!


i was able to meet frens that i was dying to hav back in highskool!!
n finally found it..





so i'll end my blog wif pictures of them..















nway thnax for reading..
my nt so cool blog!!
bt wat i wrote in here is the truth not fiction..
i write wat i really feel..
i write wat i want to express..

so for those u made me who i am now..
i thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
for those AMBS Students
my beloved FRENS
i love you guys!!!
thank you for helping me out in my studies!!